Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
