would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize
