Hopefully the semester will be over before she has a breakout. Then I can just avoid the situation entirely
you win again, gameday.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
