Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
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