you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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