You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
Woman Using Lunch Break To Find Another Job Gets Hilariously Snitched On By The Local News
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
28 ‘Thanks For Coming To My Ted Talk Tweets’ Funnier And More Informative Than An Actual Ted Talk
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
Randomize
