In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
Women Are Tweeting Photos Of Their Underwear To Support Rape Victim Whose Thong Was Cited During Trial
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
21 ‘Don’t Say It’ Tweets That Are Gonna Get Said Every Damn Time
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
I need a beard to bite.
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
Randomize
