I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
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