There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
you want to go make fun of the strippers on try out night
i got kicked out last time for laughing
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
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