I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Randomize
