Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
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