I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
