I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
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