I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
