I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
Prop 8 repealed and I FINALLY got my period. Good day for America!!!
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
we're so committed to being not committed
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
Randomize
