why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
