my mouth tastes like poor choices
I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
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