i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Randomize
