Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
Randomize
