we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
some dude is getting blown right outside the bar in his car. reeediculous
class
he's dribbling her head like he's fucking allen iverson
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
