Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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