I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
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