sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Randomize
