I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
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