I think that we as people have rights and that we should at the very least be warned before being subjected to Fergie
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
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