He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
Randomize
