i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Randomize
