you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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