Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
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