She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Randomize
