i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
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