You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
Randomize
