Your face is a jimmy john
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
My life is pants optional.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
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