You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
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