the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Pride was great cause we really can now appreciate how far we've come as gay people!
Doll, if you're still fucking strangers behind the WeHo Sonic while high on E then we've come as far as 2003...
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
So I used the "I've never cummed from a BJ before" line last night.
And that worked?
9 for 9! Not only does it give them a goal but they have a sense of accomplishment afterwards.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize
