and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
he came faster then a bring it on movie goes to dvd
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
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