I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Randomize
