Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
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