guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
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