she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
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