i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
Randomize
