I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
Randomize
