I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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