I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
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