i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
