So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Randomize
