I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Randomize
