why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
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