WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
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