Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
The language barrier was annoying .... So we just had sex. That is how you deal with not being able to chat isn't it???
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
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