Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
I think that i just found proof that harry and ginny had sex
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
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