He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
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