So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Randomize
