Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
no more duck duck goose at the bar
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Randomize
