Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
she woke up with a sticky ear
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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