my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
I want you more than these girls want KFC
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
ya, but you'll graduate college with a higher education. I'm looking at at least two addictions, an abortion, and a few weeks jail time.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
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