The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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