He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
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