please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
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