I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
I JUST SEARCHED GINGER COCK ON TUMBLR AND THEY'RE ALL REALLY WELL HUNG? I'M CRYING. IS THIS HOW GINGERS KEEP REPRODUCING?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
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