ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
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