Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
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